Wednesday, January 3, 2001 // 12:15 a.m.

Well, I archived. This is probably the best I can do, since this is a personal page of mine and I don’t want a lot of anime influence in it (because I already have an anime pita).

Wednesday, January 3, 2001 // 10:49 a.m.

I wonder if I spend too much time on non-academic stuff. I wonder how I’ll perform this sem, after that really long Christmas vacation. I wonder, I wonder… And in the meantime, I spend too much time and money on anime and other pursuits, and not enough time with my parents and sister. Hmm…

Lolo-sama was able to save a lot of money since he cut down on anime last year. ^^”

But why am I ranting about anime here? I should be doing that on my other pita!

What else do I have on my mind, though? Maybe this cute pic that Wami posted on her pita… What lovely, yummy purple hair… ^.^~

Classes resume tomorrow for me, and I’m completely clueless as to what’s gonna come my way. Tests? Papers? Sleeping in class again? Agh! I just wish I could find some direction for my life!

Sunday, January 7, 2001 // 02:33 p.m.

Hao lolo-sama! Thank you for the kind words of comfort (hmm, age hairs?), but I think it was just a pre-back-to-school blues sort of thing. @o@

I went to a party last night, and just as I was about to chopstick another delicious mouthful of sotanghon courtesy of Mitsukake, something dropped onto my plate from the gazebo roof above my head. Down went the chopsticks, down went the plate on the ground, out came a scream–all because a lizard also wanted a taste of the sotanghon. ^.^~ Aiyah!

Wednesday, January 10, 2001 // 07:57 a.m.

It’s not that they’ve pushed me away; it’s that I’m always the one initiating contact (except for the rare few people who have been genuinely kind and caring). Frankly I don’t want that to be the case. I want this to be two-way. I want to be reassured that I’m also wanted as a friend by these people.

Not to mention I’ve tried to reach out, but from some people all I’ve felt are hedgehog spines, no matter how nice I am to them.

I don’t need them, and I don’t think they truly need me anyway. Do you think if I started to lurk, they’d say “Hey, you, post! We miss you!” I don’t think so. So why in the world am I still going to stick with them?

I try desperately to like people, that’s why.

Sunday, January 14, 2001 // 03:11 p.m.

I was watching this movie named her Alibi on HBO last night (really really late last night). The main female character, Nina, had to talk to the cook, named Consuelo, about something. All of a sudden this cook starts ranting, “Ikaw kasi layas nang layas, hindi mo tuloy alam na lahat ng tao dito muntik nang mamatay dahil sa niluto mo! Mabuti na lang hindi ako kumain…” etc., etc., etc.

Imagine my surprise at hearing my native language in a Hollywood movie starring Tom Selleck and William Daniels (Mr. Feeney of “Boy Meets World” fame).

Damn, though. Either the producers thought Tagalog would sound Spanish (the stereotypical Hispanic servants), or they used a stereotype of Filipinos as servants. >.<

Wednesday, January 24, 2001 // 09:37 p.m.
Elagda

It’s been a long time since I last wrote here… I kinda channeled all my ranting about the political situation into the blog that led you to this one, but now that it’s not really that high-profile, I’m blogging about it here.

Dammit, when will Erap stop? Gloria’s accession to the presidency is being questioned on the basis that he never said he was resigning, just “stepping down”. What an idiot. We’re dealing with semantics here.

Siguro, dapat itapon na yan sa Hawaii. Magsama sila ng multo ni Marcos.

Wednesday, January 31, 2001 // 11:15 a.m.

Ah! Exams galore again! @o@ I hate exams (who doesn’t?). Don’t get me wrong. I study hard for my exams, but what really kills me in waiting for my grade is the fact that I’m not sure if I’ll get a high grade. Call me obsessive-compulsive, call me perfectionist, but I get a kick out of getting high grades, not just passing the exam.

Back to studying. Reports say the teacher of this particular subject likes to ask questions that have really long mysterious answers. And if you don’t answer the way she wants you to answer, half the grade is slashed off on that particular question. ^^” *sniffle* *shudder*
Monday, February 5, 2001 // 09:37 p.m.
TheSpark.com Gender Test

Link above courtesy of Andrael. ^^”

Big news: I am a woman.

But! I am a woman near the middle range between man and woman. If a truly female female is hot-pink-verging-on-red and a truly male male is dark blue and middle ground is pure white, I am light pink.

And the pic they had representing me was a woman body in a business suit with a guy’s head. >.< Now isn’t that insulting? Does it mean I have the brain of a guy in the body of a woman? Grrr…

Go take the test for yerself. See if it works for you. I think I’ll go work out my masculine aggressive tendencies on that post over there.

[Thunder rolls and lightning crashes]

Friday, February 16, 2001 // 06:54 a.m.
Flipblogs

Just added myself to Flipblogs… I think I need something to juice me up so I can blog more here. ^_^

Saturday, February 17, 2001 // 06:57 p.m.

Hey, I archived for the first time in ages! ^_^ That makes me a lot happy… I’m trying to make this a separate weblog from Doctor Megumi’s Diary. I dunno, I think I can express so much more than just an overflow from that weblog.

Y’like? It’s Jennifer Lopez, one of my favorite celebrities (sometimes, I wish I were her, and then I start to think about her boyfriend Puff Daddy, and then I don’t really want to be her that much ^o^). I’m going to watch “The Wedding Planner” tonight, on VCD, so that pic up there is just a screen capture from aforementioned VCD. Hehehe.

Sunday, February 18, 2001 // 03:46 p.m.

Wow… I’m in SUCH a romantic mood right now as a result of watching “The Wedding Planner” last night. It kinda brings me back to my childhood fantasies of finally meeting my Prince Charming, love at first sight, happily ever after and all that (hmm… my Barbies are still in storage…). I am a dreamer, I know. Besides, I’m too young to dream of such things and it’s unlikely that something that picture-perfect is ever going to happen to me. *groan*

On another note, my grandmother is confined in the hospital. She had a heart attack late last night and my dad, who’s a doctor, had to get up and go to the hospital. He didn’t get a wink of sleep since then. ^o^

Sunday, February 18, 2001 // 04:16 p.m.
reveal your true Dark Name

Special thanks to Yugami for the above link (even though she doesn’t know I read her blog). According to that site, “Noelle Frances De Guzman, from this day forward you you will also be known as Profound Samurai”.

Profound Samurai. Hm. I like that. ^___^

Tuesday, February 20, 2001 // 10:50 p.m.

I really hate my teacher in Kasaysayan 111. Aside from the fact that he’s someone who pretends to be Godly but is in fact simply someone who makes an outward show of religiosity but in truth is a self-righteous contradiction, he also has a very narrow and closed mind when it comes to teaching and listening to students.

I feel I performed well in my report in his class today. I spoke only of published facts, I didn’t make anything up and didn’t even try to be creative with the material because he hates anything that approximates what he calls “Creative Writing” (meaning anything fiction-like).

My teacher just didn’t listen. He came into class with preconceived notions about my topic, was too deaf to hear what I was saying, and when I tried, honestly tried to explain myself further when he noted some holes in my report, he just wouldn’t stop talking. My classmates were already trying to defend my report by helping explain what they thought I was saying (which means I was able to get my point across to them). He said he wasn’t satisfied, and awarded me a grade of Conditional Failure (4.0 in the University of the Philippines grading system). That Just Hurt.

I know this particular teacher just gives grades of 4.0 all around, but when you take a look at the final grade, it doesn’t matter ’cause all of the students are awarded grades of 1.25 or higher (these are very high grades). And I know this particular teacher doesn’t really know much and doesn’t even read the papers submitted to him by his students. But it simply hurt to get a grade lower than 3.0 (passing/satisfactory). I’ve never gotten a grade below 2.5 (good).

I’ve slept the initial shock away. Time will tell whether or not I’ll eat my way out of depression. ^_^

A friend once said, “‘Pag masama ang loob, ikain, isulat, ipatay ng tao.”

Friday, February 23, 2001 // 10:39 p.m.

I moved all my images over to Virtue.nu, since Geocities stopped letting me reference my images from my webspace there. x.x I also created a new archives page.

Monday, February 26, 2001 // 09:03 p.m.

I never was the popular one in high school. In fact, I was considered the “buntot” (tail) of the one and only barkada (or group) in school, meaning I tagged along even when they didn’t want me to be there, which was all the time.

I was also the school nerd. I wore glasses from the time I was seven years old (I replaced them with contact lenses when I was fourteen), got braces when I was twelve, and had my head buried constantly in books (the lack of a group to hang with might have been one cause of my becoming a bookworm). Even in yearbooks, when others were labeled “kind, caring”, what was extolled about me was my “walking encyclopedia”-type knowledge and Best in Spelling awards, but never who I was, if I was “kind” or “caring”. And how would they know? They didn’t want to spend time with me. I cried a lot of tears about this. In a small school (like the one I was in), if you’re not part of thebarkada, you’re not part of anything, because the barkada was the entire high school population of about 20 students.

Things eventually improved so that I became part of the barkada in my third and fourth years of high school. I even went so far as to think that I was accepted on equal terms with them, and I didn’t mind if I were constantly ridiculed and contradicted.

Fast forward to three years from high school graduation. We’ve all sorta been apart from each other except for the occasional get-togethers at Christmastime or someone’s birthday. I noticed that while they were all complimenting each other on their thinness, I, with my non-supermodel type of body, was never told “Oh, you’re so thin!”, and other situations that really made me feel, well, different. One of these situations happened last Saturday night, when I attended my friend’s 18th birthday party.

The invitation had said “semi-formal”, so I basically had to run around the house looking for something to wear that these high school friends of mine had never seen before (yes, that is imperative!). I brought out a simple dress and didn’t wear much jewelry, but when I got to the party, all of my friends, save the celebrant, were in “smart casual”, something you’d wear clubbing at night. Not one of them was in the type of dress I was wearing. Drat it. I felt really out of place, overdressed with nowhere to go. Not to mention I felt like a fool.

At first, I felt annoyed with myself for not dressing down, but later on in the evening, I realized I was correctly dressed, and it was my friends who were underdressed. Then I got annoyed at them. Annoyed at them for not respecting the celebrant’s wish, and in the process making me feel not part of the gang, perhaps unintentionally, but it echoed my high school experiences.

It just hurt all over again.

Wednesday, February 28, 2001 // 09:40 a.m.
leelee.pitas.com

I feel better now than last Saturday. Last Sunday my family and I had this party for my aunt’s birthday, and my entire mother’s side of the family (excluding my grandmother and grandfather, who were in Bacolod) was here at home.

We had tons of food just lying around on the table. ^_^ It was funny, ‘coz my sister and I started to analyze our family gatherings, and food is always the central factor. Made us wonder if our psyche was somehow attached to food, and if we sought solace in food.

And then after all that psycho-analyzing, we just had ourselves some ice cream and steaks. FOOD.

Yum.

Saturday, March 3, 2001 // 12:22 p.m.

*groan*

Yes, today I shall relate yet another incident that happened in the past (though this is more recent, since it happened two years ago).

When I entered college, I set myself a rule that I’d never get involved in a romantic relationship, and I, as myself, never break my own rules. Two years ago I came very close to breaking that rule, when this particular guy started courting me.

At first, I thought he only wanted to be friends. When he invited me to the Beach House (a place in our university that sells a great barbecue), I gladly agreed. Then, when we got there and we were the only people in the place, I got very uneasy with the idea of sharing a table with only him. I’m not talking just a little bit queasy here. VERY UNEASY. I started perspiring, my stomach was doing flipflops every second, and I knew something was up. I don’t know, I think I have a radar about people who want to court me (more about that in a future post).

I just ran away from the guy. As in, literally. I couldn’t stand the feeling.

That’s not the end of it. I should have trusted those instincts that led me to run away from him, but I didn’t. I came begging back, kind of making up, and I was the first to initiate hand contact.

That led to hugs, kisses on the hand, on the forehead in the weeks that followed. God, I must have been a sight. Parading myself around with a guy whom I couldn’t even call a boyfriend because I’d sworn to myself I wouldn’t get involved. I was a walking contradiction in those times.

It was a short, four-week thing. The night our organization had a ball, he was my date. The thing was he tried to give me a ring. He insisted it meant nothing, but I knew better. I tried to deny to myself that I was being a hypocrite to my principles. Then he said he would like to kiss me.

Sure, I lasted the ball out without letting him kiss me, and I didn’t take the ring. The next day was a Monday, and I was able to talk with one of my friends who was really able to put a perspective on things for me, and I knew I had to break off whatever my relationship was with the guy.

When I told him, he protested, saying he really didn’t want a committment from me anyway, that he just wanted to love me. I knew I wouldn’t stand for that, so I left him. This happened in December.

I’m not saying I regret leaving him. I’m saying I regret not leaving him when we were at the Beach House, before things had developed to the point that he thought he had a hold on me. As a matter of fact, when I left him that December, I had a curious feeling of lightness, and I knew I was right.

February 14 of the next year, I received a red envelope. It was from him, blaming me for his depression, blaming me for rejecting him and making him feel miserable. I tore it up.

Two months later, he had another girlfriend and forgot about me completely.

And I still wish I’d never ever gone back to him that day at the Beach House.

Sunday, March 11, 2001 // 09:37 a.m.

I cannot believe my little sister has managed to hog the computer all this week! I’ve always been the one told off. “Noelle, get off the computer NOW!”

This week, however, I haven’t been on the computer for a long time at all. My sister always manages to leave her emails alone in the middle of a reply in order to do something else, and I can’t use the computer because she’s supposedly using it. Thirty minutes later she still hasn’t gone back to her emails, I’m vegetating in front of the TV, and when she finally sits back down at the computer, the phone rings and she takes the call for yet another fifteen to twenty minutes.

When I do get my hands on the computer, when I’m about to dial-up to the internet, the phone rings and it’s for her! She talks for about thirty minutes or until I make loud obnoxious sounds from the computer that I need to use the phone line, thank you very much.

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 // 02:49 p.m.

A new layout for a new mood. I’m starting to think of my finals, since they’re in about two weeks, and I haven’t started studying yet! Shame, shame!

I’ve also begun to think of what I’ll do once I graduate from college next year. A lot of my friends are thinking of going to law school, but I never liked this Political Science-turned-prelaw-course anyway. I’m going to try to get another bachelor’s degree, this time in Journalism.

That is, if I ever finish this course.

Wednesday, March 14, 2001 // 08:19 p.m.

Wahaha! The computer is mine! It’s been mine the whole day, and my sister seems willing to let me have it for the rest of the night! Oh, computer, how I love thee. Oh, weblog, how I adore thee, with thy Corrs-inspired new layout!

Well, I think I’ve reached new boundaries of absurdity. Off I go…

Thursday, March 15, 2001 // 09:27 a.m.

Yo, check it out!
Friday, March 16, 2001 // 06:01 p.m.
I was listening to American Hi-fi’s “Flavor of the Week”

I heard a song on a station just a little while ago, and it sounded way better than anything I’ve heard over the past few months. Wanna know why? Read further…

I started listening to pop music when I was around 13 years old. Kinda overage to start listening to something for young people? Well, I was raised on classical music, and the radio was always tuned to the classical station.

All my friends were listening to pop music by then because it was the “in” thing to know the latest song (hmm, I really was sheltered), and when my parents didn’t say anything when I tried changing the station, I went ahead and tuned it to either 89.9 Magic or RX 93.1 (I saw the station number on a car sticker and decided to try it).

It was highly interesting for a while, because I have an ability to learn lyrics and sing along to a song even if I were only listening to it the first time. In recent years, however, the radio stations began to focus on one particular type of music which I soon found repetitive and dull (I’m talking about R&B and the new synth-driven music). I’m a melody-driven type of person. I don’t like songs that have no discernible melody or songs I can’t sing along to.

It was then that I discovered J-pop (or Japanese pop music) due to anime. It sounded way different, and more interesting than the standard fare on radio. I actually stopped listening to the radio and stopped keeping up with the latest tunes. When my sister raved about a particular new singer and I didn’t know who he was, I knew I’d lost touch with what most people considered radio reality.

Since then I’ve tried to listen to the radio again, because I know I’m regressing into my own little world and if I don’t do something, I might as well be considered autistic. I’ve only found a few songs suitable to my tastes. I just wish the radio would play something more interesting!

Saturday, March 17, 2001 // 11:47 p.m.

There is rape-slay scare here in Metro Manila, spurred by the discovery of a dead girl floating in a garbage-choked creek. She had been raped in her own car and then murdered, then thrown into the creek. The perpetrators even had the nerve to use her car after they killed her.

That girl who was discovered floating in the creek? She’s separated from me by less than six degrees of separation. She was the officemate of Nat R., one of my high school batchmates. It so happens they were texting each other on the night she was raped and killed. Nat had just texted her something and he was expecting her to reply, but she never did.

They only found out when she didn’t show up for work the following Monday.

And JM G. and Ian M., my other friends from high school, saw the body (it was already wrapped up in plastic) on their way to church that Sunday. Do you know where the body was dumped? In the creek right beside the house of a former schoolmate of mine. I used to pass by that place on my way to Sucat for parties at Alma A.’s place, which is why I found that scene very familiar when they showed it on the news.

You can imagine how close these events are to my house. Those rapist-killers operate within my vicinity. Nat warned me last night to be careful, because the perpetrators seemed to like fair-skinned girls, and the girl and myself have very similar coloring and facial features.

To be related so closely with the rape-slay events really creeps me out and makes me even more paranoid. My mother, who stopped reminding me of talking to strangers when I hit my teens, started doing so again last night before my sister and I went out with friends.

Stuff like this you don’t expect to happen to anyone you know.

Thursday, March 22, 2001 // 10:24 p.m.

In an exam-induced stupor this morning, I fell asleep in the car… and started dreaming about layouts. Yes, website layouts. x.x I’m mentally ill or something.

Sunday, March 25, 2001 // 08:16 a.m.
Lizard’s Asylum

I went to a birthday party last night (“again, Noelle?”) held by my friends LJ and Cy, two people I met at the AnimeXplosion 2000 (if you want to read my anime-related rants and raves about said party, just go to Doctor Megumi’s Diary; if not, just read about the party on this blog).

Anyway, I didn’t know anybody at that party except for the celebrants. Thank God I was able to bond with three people (JM, Chona, and Rianne) who also didn’t know anybody. Funny how people in the same boat can develop some sort of camaraderie.

After collecting each other’s cellphone numbers, I wonder what we’re gonna do with them, though.

Oh, yeah, there was liquor at the party. My parents told me, “If people start drinking alcoholic beverages, call us or text us, and we’ll bring you straight home.” Well, I feel kinda guilty about it because very early in the evening, San Miguel Beer and Gilbey’s with Lime was served, and then later on they had Tequila shots. Of course, me being the underage and value-laden girl I am, I didn’t drink. But then, I didn’t ask my parents to take me straight home. I wonder if I should tell them about the alcoholic beverages…

In case I forget, I call Cy my older brother because I adopted him. Hehe.

Sunday, March 25, 2001 // 09:37 p.m.

I am currently at my cousin’s house in tears over a PowerPoint presentation due tomorrow, because the files I was supposed to use weren’t shared over the network, and now his computer’s off. *wails*

[a few minutes later]
Oh thank God my aunt was able to persuade her mother-in-law to talk to her father-in-law who was stopping my cousin from keeping his computer on. *pants* I’ll be able to make my deadline.

Wednesday, March 28, 2001 // 12:16 a.m.

After spending the better part of tonight watching some bad movie on WOWOW, and then sporadically reading for an exam tomorrow, I came up with some horrid poetry. But oh well… I have nothing else to blog about, so…

Halo of blue cigarette smoke
Swirling like wraiths about your head
Ghost of my past returned
to stare through your eyes
Longing buried within
Burning through my soul to reach you
Drenched in the pouring rain
I see only the light of your cigarette
Snuffed out, like me.

Any reactions?

Friday, March 30, 2001 // 02:21 a.m.

*yawn* It’s been an extremely long week with plenty of exams. Thank God the last of my papers are to be passed *checks date* today. My only worry now is my grade point average. I hope it stays above 1.75! I need to maintain my average!

Saturday, March 31, 2001 // 04:28 a.m.

It’s been another sleepless night for me. I was just about ready to collapse yesterday morning, counting on getting a full night’s sleep, exhausted yet pleased with myself for finishing what I thought would be my last paper for the semester. I just had to meet up with my groupmates in another class to finalize our group paper. What I wasn’t counting on was that my idiotic groupmate (whom I had assigned to do our analysis) didn’t bother to make a decent paper. All my pet peeves were in that bundle of papers he handed me–spelling and grammatical errors, lack of depth in writing, and he even forgot to include the data for which we had painstakingly surveyed!

And yes, yesterday was the deadline. Thankfully we were able to secure an extension, so I have to submit the paper (which I rewrote all by myself) to my teacher this morning.

“Welcome to U.P. The Land of the Living Dead.” I’ve been zombified.

On a lighter note, Mela was talking about her day with her friends, and I was suddenly surprised to see my name there in her blog, since we’ve never met. That is the first time I’ve ever encountered my name as someone else’s name. It was a bit freaky. Call me paranoid, call me crazy, but I feel like I just lost a little bit of my uniqueness. ^_^ Hehe. I am crazy.